On Attachment, Bonding and Why We Have to Do What We Will Be Doing

A consistent theme to my blogs has been the amazing support and excitement we have within our community of friends and family about the girls. There are countless people that are so eager to meet them and to be a part of their lives.

Which makes it a little strange to talk about the "attachment parenting" that we have to do as parents of adoptees that have been in an institution, which could initially look like we would be excluding community.

While hopefully our girls won't be in an orphanage for too much longer, the fact is that they have been there since birth and have already changed, developed, grown and have learned so much. And something that does happen with institutionalized infants is something known as "attachment disorder."

Because some of you have asked, I am including a list of some of the signs of attachment disorder. Interestingly, one sign is an infant that is actually too good. One that does not cry or one that allows strangers to handle them. This could mean that they have learned that crying is not productive, or that there is no correlation between their crying for a need and the need being met. Or that they have not learned to attach to one caregiver so never really learn to trust or create a bond with another person. Obviously this can create lifelong problems, so we are going to be taking a very aggressive and proactive approach to combatting any potential issues.

Here are some symptoms of attachment disorder:

1. Cries; miserable all the time, chronically fussy
2. Resists comforting or nurturance
3. Resists or dislikes being held
4. Poor eye contact or avoids eye contact
5. Flat, lifeless affect (too quiet)
6. Likes playpen or crib more than being held
7. Rarely cries (overly good baby)
8. Angry or rageful when cries
9. Exceedingly demanding
10. Looks sad or empty-eyed
11. Delayed milestones (creeping, crawling, etc.)
12. Stiffens or becomes rigid when held
13. Likes to be in control
14. Does not hold on when held (no reciprocal holding)
15. When held chest to chest, faces away
16. Doesn’t like head touched (combed, washed)
17. Generally unresponsive to parent
18. Cries or rages when held beyond his wishes
19. Overly independent play or makes no demands
20. Reaches for others to hold him rather than parent
21. Little or reduced verbal responsiveness
22. Does not return smiles
23. Shows very little imitative behavior
24. Prefers Dad to Mom
25. Gets in and out of parents lap frequently
26. Physically restless when sleeping
27. Does not react to pain (high pain tolerance)

While the list above obviously covers a lot of territory, we will have to be on the lookout for whether we are seeing a multidude of these symptoms so that we can take some proactive actions.

With that being said, however, because the girls come from an institution/orphanage the agency recommendation is for Al and I to begin IMMEDIATELY with attachment parenting. This means that Al and I are to be the only caretakers for the first couple of months. We are supposed to be the only ones to feed the girls, diaper the girls, comfort the girls and bathe the girls. They also recommend "wearing" the girls as much as possible - using a sling, etc. The goal is to create an environment where the girls see Al and I as the two people who will take care of them and nurture them. (Interestingly, it is actually recommended in the case of a single adoption that just the mother be the caretaker for the first several weeks, however as we are adopting twins that is next to impossible.)

I wanted all of you to be aware of this distinction between the initial parenting of institutionalized children vs. biological children or children adopted domestically and brought to their new home within the first few days of their lives and keep in mind that differences in behavior between them and the biological children or early adoption children in your families may actually be good. For instance, it would be a good sign for the girls to cling to Al and I initially, it is a good sign for them to want to be held alot by Al and I and to fuss when put down, it is a good sign for them to go a little less easily to strangers. It means that the bonding process is working. While this will put an additional burden on Al and I, who will undoubtably be pretty tired and in need of support, if all goes well we should have a couple of happy and well adjusted girls in a few months.

I just wanted to make sure that those of you who already know and love the girls are also aware of some of the more challenging aspects of adoption and to fully understand why Al and I may do some things for them differently than you have done with your children! It's not that we won't want to share them (because I can assure you that after about 2 days we'll be dying to do so!) but that we are following the strict advice of our agency.

We are continued to be blessed by the support of our family and friends, and to receive fantastic coaching from a team of social workers and adoption experts at the agency to help us through our first several months together.

Let the games begin!

Love Tina