OK, it was not news we wanted to hear, but it looks like we will not be traveling to pick up the girls until mid July.
I am not really sure of what the slow down is, unless of course, it is just that things are bogged down in general in Vietnam, but we have been reassured by the agency that we will be in the next group to travel and that it looks like it will be in mid July.
What I really hate about this is that the girls will be 7 1/2 months old and each day that goes by makes me worry that their adjustment to us, and the bonding process, will be harder. Not to mention physical delays, etc. While I love this age for babies, I think it is a really cute time, I am not happy that several months ago parents were getting their travel dates quicker and the babies were younger, some just 4 or 5 months old. The extra time is a big deal for a kid in an orphanage. A couple of extra months do matter. But we are trying to relax and trust that it will all work out.
Al is much more comfortable now that we have a date range and he feels that the time will go quickly. Me, on the other hand, while I am totally enjoying our life just the two of us, I think I am much more aware of the time ticking by and what it means to the health of the girls.
We will likely not have any more definitive news until the end of June or the beginning of July when our G&R date is set, and then we'll have to be prepared to move fast at that time.
Love to all,
Tina
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
First Comes Love Then Comes Weeping
Yesterday we received a wonderful gift from friends of ours. Beatiful, snuggly soft blankets for the girls with their names embroidered on them. But there was something else that was equally beautiful. A handwritten card that had love flowing right out of it. Actually flowing right out! Ilona, I really hope you don't mind (and Algis assured me that you wouldn't) but you wrote something in your card to us that has moved me beyond belief and that I'd really like to share with our friends because it was so beautiful. Part of the card read:
"Allow us to enter the circle of your community as we welcome your daughters Ilona and Maia... may we all hold hands around them and let them feel how much they are already loved."
Of course I was weeping like the silly thing I am as I was reading this note. That single sentence has summed up how I've felt about our family and friends throughout our journey - and while I've struggled putting it into words I think that it has been put so beautifully above by our friend. Her words show how our community is already encircling the girls with love. And I cannot help but think of how Ilona and Maia, lying in their cribs half a world away, haven't a clue about what awaits them when they get home!
When I think about it I am just so in awe of all of you.
I have never been so inspired in all my life.
Truly.
Love Tina
"Allow us to enter the circle of your community as we welcome your daughters Ilona and Maia... may we all hold hands around them and let them feel how much they are already loved."
Of course I was weeping like the silly thing I am as I was reading this note. That single sentence has summed up how I've felt about our family and friends throughout our journey - and while I've struggled putting it into words I think that it has been put so beautifully above by our friend. Her words show how our community is already encircling the girls with love. And I cannot help but think of how Ilona and Maia, lying in their cribs half a world away, haven't a clue about what awaits them when they get home!
When I think about it I am just so in awe of all of you.
I have never been so inspired in all my life.
Truly.
Love Tina
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
News Coming Soon!
While we don't have any formal news just yet about our travel dates we did hear from our contact in Vietnam that we will be in the next group traveling. There are 12 families waiting for their G&R dates, of which 7 will be assigned any day. We have been confirmed that we are one of the 7, so we will be in the next group.
Things sure have slowed down in Vietnam since we joined the program. We are now hearing of waits up to 24 months for a referral. And because there is such an influx of people wanting to adopt from Vietnam I think all of the government offices there are being bogged down. It has been three months since our referral and when we received the referral we were told we would travel in 2 to 3 months. We are already well behind that scenario. Now the agency is telling new families 4 to 6 months. The timeframes for everything in Vietnam are just stretching.
We just want to go, get our girls, and bring them home. While I am tired of the stretching timeframes I am also acutely aware that we have been quite lucky with our timing so far.
Hope to write more soon.
Love Tina
Things sure have slowed down in Vietnam since we joined the program. We are now hearing of waits up to 24 months for a referral. And because there is such an influx of people wanting to adopt from Vietnam I think all of the government offices there are being bogged down. It has been three months since our referral and when we received the referral we were told we would travel in 2 to 3 months. We are already well behind that scenario. Now the agency is telling new families 4 to 6 months. The timeframes for everything in Vietnam are just stretching.
We just want to go, get our girls, and bring them home. While I am tired of the stretching timeframes I am also acutely aware that we have been quite lucky with our timing so far.
Hope to write more soon.
Love Tina
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
On Attachment, Bonding and Why We Have to Do What We Will Be Doing
A consistent theme to my blogs has been the amazing support and excitement we have within our community of friends and family about the girls. There are countless people that are so eager to meet them and to be a part of their lives.
Which makes it a little strange to talk about the "attachment parenting" that we have to do as parents of adoptees that have been in an institution, which could initially look like we would be excluding community.
While hopefully our girls won't be in an orphanage for too much longer, the fact is that they have been there since birth and have already changed, developed, grown and have learned so much. And something that does happen with institutionalized infants is something known as "attachment disorder."
Because some of you have asked, I am including a list of some of the signs of attachment disorder. Interestingly, one sign is an infant that is actually too good. One that does not cry or one that allows strangers to handle them. This could mean that they have learned that crying is not productive, or that there is no correlation between their crying for a need and the need being met. Or that they have not learned to attach to one caregiver so never really learn to trust or create a bond with another person. Obviously this can create lifelong problems, so we are going to be taking a very aggressive and proactive approach to combatting any potential issues.
Here are some symptoms of attachment disorder:
1. Cries; miserable all the time, chronically fussy
2. Resists comforting or nurturance
3. Resists or dislikes being held
4. Poor eye contact or avoids eye contact
5. Flat, lifeless affect (too quiet)
6. Likes playpen or crib more than being held
7. Rarely cries (overly good baby)
8. Angry or rageful when cries
9. Exceedingly demanding
10. Looks sad or empty-eyed
11. Delayed milestones (creeping, crawling, etc.)
12. Stiffens or becomes rigid when held
13. Likes to be in control
14. Does not hold on when held (no reciprocal holding)
15. When held chest to chest, faces away
16. Doesn’t like head touched (combed, washed)
17. Generally unresponsive to parent
18. Cries or rages when held beyond his wishes
19. Overly independent play or makes no demands
20. Reaches for others to hold him rather than parent
21. Little or reduced verbal responsiveness
22. Does not return smiles
23. Shows very little imitative behavior
24. Prefers Dad to Mom
25. Gets in and out of parents lap frequently
26. Physically restless when sleeping
27. Does not react to pain (high pain tolerance)
While the list above obviously covers a lot of territory, we will have to be on the lookout for whether we are seeing a multidude of these symptoms so that we can take some proactive actions.
With that being said, however, because the girls come from an institution/orphanage the agency recommendation is for Al and I to begin IMMEDIATELY with attachment parenting. This means that Al and I are to be the only caretakers for the first couple of months. We are supposed to be the only ones to feed the girls, diaper the girls, comfort the girls and bathe the girls. They also recommend "wearing" the girls as much as possible - using a sling, etc. The goal is to create an environment where the girls see Al and I as the two people who will take care of them and nurture them. (Interestingly, it is actually recommended in the case of a single adoption that just the mother be the caretaker for the first several weeks, however as we are adopting twins that is next to impossible.)
I wanted all of you to be aware of this distinction between the initial parenting of institutionalized children vs. biological children or children adopted domestically and brought to their new home within the first few days of their lives and keep in mind that differences in behavior between them and the biological children or early adoption children in your families may actually be good. For instance, it would be a good sign for the girls to cling to Al and I initially, it is a good sign for them to want to be held alot by Al and I and to fuss when put down, it is a good sign for them to go a little less easily to strangers. It means that the bonding process is working. While this will put an additional burden on Al and I, who will undoubtably be pretty tired and in need of support, if all goes well we should have a couple of happy and well adjusted girls in a few months.
I just wanted to make sure that those of you who already know and love the girls are also aware of some of the more challenging aspects of adoption and to fully understand why Al and I may do some things for them differently than you have done with your children! It's not that we won't want to share them (because I can assure you that after about 2 days we'll be dying to do so!) but that we are following the strict advice of our agency.
We are continued to be blessed by the support of our family and friends, and to receive fantastic coaching from a team of social workers and adoption experts at the agency to help us through our first several months together.
Let the games begin!
Love Tina
Which makes it a little strange to talk about the "attachment parenting" that we have to do as parents of adoptees that have been in an institution, which could initially look like we would be excluding community.
While hopefully our girls won't be in an orphanage for too much longer, the fact is that they have been there since birth and have already changed, developed, grown and have learned so much. And something that does happen with institutionalized infants is something known as "attachment disorder."
Because some of you have asked, I am including a list of some of the signs of attachment disorder. Interestingly, one sign is an infant that is actually too good. One that does not cry or one that allows strangers to handle them. This could mean that they have learned that crying is not productive, or that there is no correlation between their crying for a need and the need being met. Or that they have not learned to attach to one caregiver so never really learn to trust or create a bond with another person. Obviously this can create lifelong problems, so we are going to be taking a very aggressive and proactive approach to combatting any potential issues.
Here are some symptoms of attachment disorder:
1. Cries; miserable all the time, chronically fussy
2. Resists comforting or nurturance
3. Resists or dislikes being held
4. Poor eye contact or avoids eye contact
5. Flat, lifeless affect (too quiet)
6. Likes playpen or crib more than being held
7. Rarely cries (overly good baby)
8. Angry or rageful when cries
9. Exceedingly demanding
10. Looks sad or empty-eyed
11. Delayed milestones (creeping, crawling, etc.)
12. Stiffens or becomes rigid when held
13. Likes to be in control
14. Does not hold on when held (no reciprocal holding)
15. When held chest to chest, faces away
16. Doesn’t like head touched (combed, washed)
17. Generally unresponsive to parent
18. Cries or rages when held beyond his wishes
19. Overly independent play or makes no demands
20. Reaches for others to hold him rather than parent
21. Little or reduced verbal responsiveness
22. Does not return smiles
23. Shows very little imitative behavior
24. Prefers Dad to Mom
25. Gets in and out of parents lap frequently
26. Physically restless when sleeping
27. Does not react to pain (high pain tolerance)
While the list above obviously covers a lot of territory, we will have to be on the lookout for whether we are seeing a multidude of these symptoms so that we can take some proactive actions.
With that being said, however, because the girls come from an institution/orphanage the agency recommendation is for Al and I to begin IMMEDIATELY with attachment parenting. This means that Al and I are to be the only caretakers for the first couple of months. We are supposed to be the only ones to feed the girls, diaper the girls, comfort the girls and bathe the girls. They also recommend "wearing" the girls as much as possible - using a sling, etc. The goal is to create an environment where the girls see Al and I as the two people who will take care of them and nurture them. (Interestingly, it is actually recommended in the case of a single adoption that just the mother be the caretaker for the first several weeks, however as we are adopting twins that is next to impossible.)
I wanted all of you to be aware of this distinction between the initial parenting of institutionalized children vs. biological children or children adopted domestically and brought to their new home within the first few days of their lives and keep in mind that differences in behavior between them and the biological children or early adoption children in your families may actually be good. For instance, it would be a good sign for the girls to cling to Al and I initially, it is a good sign for them to want to be held alot by Al and I and to fuss when put down, it is a good sign for them to go a little less easily to strangers. It means that the bonding process is working. While this will put an additional burden on Al and I, who will undoubtably be pretty tired and in need of support, if all goes well we should have a couple of happy and well adjusted girls in a few months.
I just wanted to make sure that those of you who already know and love the girls are also aware of some of the more challenging aspects of adoption and to fully understand why Al and I may do some things for them differently than you have done with your children! It's not that we won't want to share them (because I can assure you that after about 2 days we'll be dying to do so!) but that we are following the strict advice of our agency.
We are continued to be blessed by the support of our family and friends, and to receive fantastic coaching from a team of social workers and adoption experts at the agency to help us through our first several months together.
Let the games begin!
Love Tina
Monday, May 14, 2007
Will Today Be the Day?
Will today be the day we get our travel dates? We have been waking up every morning for the past month wondering if today is the day. We want to believe today is the day but are scared to hope for it. How silly is that? How long can this continue? We are making ourselves crazy.
It is seriously like we are in the stages of grief as defined by Kubler-Ross:
1. Denial (trying to pretend that we aren't on the verge of picking up our sweeties because it is easier to be in the now)
2. Anger (why isn't this happening faster? why isn't our agency communicating better? How are we supposed to plan our life and work? blah blah blah)
3. Bargaining (I'll give up this piece of cheesecake if you'll just send me my travel dates!)
4. Depression (it'll never happen, we won't be picking the girls up till they are ready for college, and so on)
5. Acceptance (fine. This is just the way it is.)
Only we are not in grief. We are excited and ecstatic. We are not facing terminal illness but are waiting for something wonderful and exciting. It causes me to wonder if we go through these very same stages when we are waiting/aniticipating anything at all, whether it be something very good or something not so good.
We do have one additional stage, excitement, but other than that we seem to be going through a roller coaster of emotion!
It's all good on this side, though. We are trying to stay focused on our daily routine and concentrating on doing things with each other that might not be as easy to do once we get our girls home (such as that 3 mile morning walk by the water!).
I did want to say that I've heard from several of you that you are checking the site regularly for updates and it really warms my heart. It also warms my heart how many of you say to me "when are we getting our babies? I'm getting impatient!" I love that a whole community of people are claiming these girls as their own. I think of them over there in Vietnam, snug in their cribs, having absolutely no clue of the number of people 1/2 way across the world waiting for them !
As always, we'll keep you posted, either with whining about no news or better yet, when we actually receive some good news!
Love Tina
It is seriously like we are in the stages of grief as defined by Kubler-Ross:
1. Denial (trying to pretend that we aren't on the verge of picking up our sweeties because it is easier to be in the now)
2. Anger (why isn't this happening faster? why isn't our agency communicating better? How are we supposed to plan our life and work? blah blah blah)
3. Bargaining (I'll give up this piece of cheesecake if you'll just send me my travel dates!)
4. Depression (it'll never happen, we won't be picking the girls up till they are ready for college, and so on)
5. Acceptance (fine. This is just the way it is.)
Only we are not in grief. We are excited and ecstatic. We are not facing terminal illness but are waiting for something wonderful and exciting. It causes me to wonder if we go through these very same stages when we are waiting/aniticipating anything at all, whether it be something very good or something not so good.
We do have one additional stage, excitement, but other than that we seem to be going through a roller coaster of emotion!
It's all good on this side, though. We are trying to stay focused on our daily routine and concentrating on doing things with each other that might not be as easy to do once we get our girls home (such as that 3 mile morning walk by the water!).
I did want to say that I've heard from several of you that you are checking the site regularly for updates and it really warms my heart. It also warms my heart how many of you say to me "when are we getting our babies? I'm getting impatient!" I love that a whole community of people are claiming these girls as their own. I think of them over there in Vietnam, snug in their cribs, having absolutely no clue of the number of people 1/2 way across the world waiting for them !
As always, we'll keep you posted, either with whining about no news or better yet, when we actually receive some good news!
Love Tina
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
It's All About the Wait
Yep, the waiting game. We're in it.
For the past three weeks we have been waiting for the call to go to Vietnam. The call can come at any time. This part is pretty hard. I am thinking that the girls are growing up and that all of the clothes that we had bought for them are going to be too small, and I am just concerned that the longer the wait the harder it is going to be for them to handle all of the disruption. It is hard to believe how resiliant they are going to have to be, leaving their orphanage and the nannies that they have known their whole lives, being thrust in the arms of complete and foreign-looking strangers, staying in hotels, new bottles, new formula, flying, etc. I think we really have to keep in mind how stressful this could be for them. One thing I feel very lucky about, though, is that they have each other. They will always have a familiar face through all of the changes.
I hope to have a travel date posted for everyone soon!
Love Tina
For the past three weeks we have been waiting for the call to go to Vietnam. The call can come at any time. This part is pretty hard. I am thinking that the girls are growing up and that all of the clothes that we had bought for them are going to be too small, and I am just concerned that the longer the wait the harder it is going to be for them to handle all of the disruption. It is hard to believe how resiliant they are going to have to be, leaving their orphanage and the nannies that they have known their whole lives, being thrust in the arms of complete and foreign-looking strangers, staying in hotels, new bottles, new formula, flying, etc. I think we really have to keep in mind how stressful this could be for them. One thing I feel very lucky about, though, is that they have each other. They will always have a familiar face through all of the changes.
I hope to have a travel date posted for everyone soon!
Love Tina
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